Eye Spy
by Invader Johnny
Summary: Dib learns the hard way not to interrupt on an enemy's "alone time" or anyone's time for that matter because there will be consequences to his actions, maybe even karma.
1. In the Lab

_**Eye Spy.**_

 _ **Writer: Invader Johnny.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: We all know that Invader Zim belongs to Jhonen Vasquez, I don't own squat!**_

 _ **Plot: Dib learns the hard way not to interrupt on an enemy's "alone time" or anyone's time for that matter because there will be consequences to his actions, maybe even karma.**_

 _ **Author Notes: This idea came to me after I re-watched an old episode of "Two and A Half Men."**_

 ** _Just to let you all know, all the characters are over eighteen here, you're gonna find out soon enough why, warning it's implied some sexual stuff has been going on._**

 _ **So read, review and enjoy!**_

* * *

"Today is the day that Zim's reign on Terror ends once and for all!" The young paranormal investigator said to himself "Just a few more floors and I'll have all the evidence I need to show the world that I'm not crazy!"

"Be quiet human!" The computer ordered in annoyance "I heard this before"

Dib jumped in surprise "You can see me?!"

"See you? No" The computer admitted " _ **Heard**_ you? Oh yeah, Geez kid you really need to learn the concept of spying, see the trick is _**NOT**_ to get caught"

"If you know I'm here then why haven't you alerted Zim of my presence?"

"Because I'm bored, and maybe you'll give me some entertainment"

"Okkkk" Dib said slowly "So uh, since you know I'm here, would it bother you if you tell me where Zim is?"

"Lower lab, go straight to the tunnel then hit a right and then open the fourth door to the left"

"Ok, thank you"

Dib, who was wearing a ninja suit crawls across the ceiling, clinging to the wires that line it.

"We both know you're here Human" The computer said bored "Why do you have the need to dangle from my wires?"

"First of all, don't ever say that again, it sounds... Creepy"

"Newsflash kid, you _are_ creepy, not to mention you are technically breaking the law by breaking an entering"

"Breaking the law, saving the world... Semantics" Dib snapped "Second of all, allow me the _illusion_ of being a great spy."

"Great spy?" The Computer sneered "You're the suckiest spy I ever seen."

"I _don't_ suck!"

"How many times have you gone around in our trash?"

"I won't even dignify that with an answer!"

Half an hour later, Dib made it to his wished destination, he drops to the ground, trying to make as little noise as possible to prevent anyone else from knowing he was here, be it that insane robot, the new fat Irken or Zim himself.

The young human began to sweat, he had been on enemy ground before but the fear of getting caught was always in when entering the underground labs, he had seen things that could kill him with the touch of a button or worse experiment on his organs just for the Invader's sadistic pleasure.

He knew Zim still had one of his lungs somewhere in his face, a trophy of sorts when the alien humilliated him after he failed to stop him from harvesting his classmates organs.

Maybe someday after he won the war he would get it back but for now he needed to save his race, his stolen lung could wait.

"I just need _one_ little bit of proof that he's trying to conquer the Earth and everyone will thank me!"

"You want people to thank you?" The A.I asked sarcastically "Get some help so you can stop talking to yourself, no wonder your kind thinks your crazy and considering I work for a lunatic who has an ego the size of your galaxy and a robot who has more food than brains in his head, that's saying something."

"I am not crazy!" The young man said exasperatedly, "Why do people keep saying that?!"

"I'll give you three guesses."

Dib narrowed his eyes at the direction of where he believed the voice was coming from "You know for a security system meant to be a deterrent for intruders, you do a lousy job at it!"

"Oh, _ouch_ the human child hit me on my pride, _**NOT**_!"

The young paranormal investigator got his camera out of his pocket, holding it with such strength, almost as if it was more important than his life, his desire to do what was right had way more meaning than anything else as far as Dib was concerned if it meant stopping the alien apocalypse.

"This is for future generations!" He muttered in determination "Mankind needs to survive"

So Dib walked deeper into the underground labs, aware that he could easily get lost if the computer hadn't so easily given him the directions to Zim's whereabouts.

But that made him think, his paranoid kicking in, _"Why did the computer so easily gave him his enemy's location?",_ it claimed because it was bored, but the human just _knew_ there had to be something more to it.

After all if experience had taught him anything throught the years was that dealing anything Irken could very well cause him some sort of pain in any way shape or form, but he had to take the risk and damn the consequences, it came with the job of being Earth's only hope.

* * *

Several minutes later the so call hero made it to the metallic door, as expected it was shut, what Dib didn't see coming was a sign right in front of it written in the Irken language, he didn't know what it meant but he was gonna find out.

So he got a mini- iPad out of his pocket, Dib managed to to sinc it to the computer in Tak's ship, he pressed a few buttons and within seconds the Irken words on the screen translated into English.

 _ **"No one allowed in, The amazing Zim is busy!"**_

Dib narrowed his eyes hatefully "Yeah, busy coming up with another plan to destroy the human race no doubt! Well this ends now!"

So without any warning the raven haired human kicked the door open, his camera in one arm and a water gun in the other.

"AHA! I got you now Zim! Your reign of doom is... _**AHHHHHH**_!" What the hell?!"

"Dib-stink!" The Irken yelled out horrified "What in the blue _**fuck**_ are you doing here?! Didn't you read the sign out there! Zim is busy!"

The human's left eye twitched uncontrollably "I.. Eh... Uh... I'm blind!"

And rightfully so considering that in front of them both was a big screen with a photo of Gaz in a very revealing purple lingerie, to add more to the awkwardness of the situation, Dib could see his sister's lower part.

And to add even more insult to injury, he saw that Zim wasn't wearing any pants.

It dawned on the freaked out hero that his arch-enemy was jerking off to a picture of his little sister.

"You sick son of a bitch!"

 _ **"GET OUT DIB-WEASEL!"**_

The human was only too happy to comply as he ran out of the base screaming, cursing the computer's twisted sense of humour, only to start bellowing traumatically " _ **SOMEBODY TAKE MY EYES OUT! THE HORROR, THE HORROR!"**_

Back on the base Zim glared at the ceiling **_"COMPUTER!"_**

 ** _"WHAT?!"_**

"Didn't I tell you to not let anyone in?!"

"You did but I didn't feel like obeying you" the A.I answered "Next time I want some time to myself, maybe you'll think twice before saying no, because it sure sucks to be interrupted when you're in the middle of something _huh_?!"

"I _hate_ you!"

"The feeling is mutual" The computer shot back "But scarring aside, don't be such a crybaby, I ended up doing you a favor, not that you deserve it."

"Oh yeah? How you figure you stupid machine?!"

"After what the Dib child just saw, he sure won't be coming back any time soon."

Zim just growled angrily.

He then got his pants back up and dialed a number he knew by heart, after several rings the person on the other side picked up.

"Gaz-human? You might want to _kill_ your brother right about now, why? Well long story short, His stalking has become a nuisance and not because of my evil plans this time... He actually... Found out about us and not in the best of ways."

* * *

The next day Gaz broke every bone in her brother's body.

"Next time you think about stalking my boyfriend Dib, _don't_!"

* * *

 ** _So, what did you guys think of this little insane story? The name of the story is an obvious pun to the game as well as a reference to the fact that Dib is a member of the swollen eyeball network._**

 ** _Like I said above, the idea came to be after watching an episode of "two and a half men" where Charlie keeps unceremoniously walking in on Alan pleasuring himself, such a sigh would freak everyone out, but imagine the trauma Dib would endure in seeing an alien, Zim no less Jacking off to a photo of his little sister, now THAT could just about drive anyone nuts, am I right?_**

 ** _Finally, Zim had to be extra subtly (hey, there's a first time for everything) because he sure wasn't about to tell Gaz that he's playing with himself to a pic of her._**

 ** _Invader Johnny Signing Off._**


	2. In the House

**_What can I say about this additional chapter?_**

 ** _Other that I'm not done with causing some more pain to Dib._**

 ** _In truth, I felt like revisiting some of my IZ fics and some ideas were born as a result._**

* * *

After the experience Dib had at Zim's base a couple of days ago, it was safe to say that he kept a distance away from his arch-enemy.

Every time he closed his eyes, the young man couldn't help but shudders in disgust at the sight of the repulsive alien jerking off to a picture of his little sister.

And the worst part was that Gaz didn't beat Zim up for such a thing.

"No, she just had to beat _**me**_ up!" He snapped to himself "There's just no justice in the world."

The young paranormal investigator limped to the bathroom, after the physical punishment at the hands of his little sister, Dib needed some relaxation.

"Maybe I can take a shower while reading the latest edition of crop circle magazine will easy my pain and erase some very disturbing imagines from my head."

He could only hope.

Dib slowly made his way towards the bathroom, only to notice it was locked.

"Ugh, not this again." He groaned exasperatedly "Every time the locks in the house kept malfunctioning."

He got a device out of his pocket and began working on the lock, his aching head prevented him from listening to the sounds coming from the other side of the door.

"Aha!" He congratulated himself with a pat in the back, then opened the door, creaking as he talked "Maybe now I can start to forget this horrible... Experience..."

No such luck.

Gaz was in the tub, using the flexible shower head in her lower had.

If that wasn't traumatic enough, she was moaning Zim's name and to ad insult to injury she was seeing a photo of said alien shirtless in her phone.

"Oh... _Zim_!"

Dib felt as if he was about to puke, this was a thousand times worse than seeing his arch-enemy jerk off... It was still disgusting but this was _worse_.

The raven haired teen's eye was twitching uncontrollably.

 _"Do not scream... Don't scream... Don't you dare scream Dib!"_ He repeated internally " _For the sake of your sanity and life don't say anything!"_

"I can't wait to lose my virginity to you."

That did it.

No one wants to listen much less imagine their little sister getting it on with a being from another world.

So He screamed.

Which was a huge mistake.

Gaz opened her eyes and saw her brother.

She screamed back.

"Dib! I'm going to kill you!"

He ran away at the sight of his vengeful sister approaching.

"I'm sorry Gaz! It was an accident!"

"Oh yeah?" She growled "Well I'm going to shove that big head of yours up your ass!" She hissed "Let's see if that way you learn to respect the privacy of others!"

* * *

 _ **Two months later:**_

Dib woke up from a horrendous nightmarish coma in the hospital.

He began to shudder.

 _"The horror... The Horror."_

Needless to say he was scarred for life.

"Can't I just catch a break for once!"

* * *

 ** _To answer Dib's exasperated question... Nope._**

 ** _Well, I think it's safe to say that Dib learned the hard and painful way to not open up a door when it's locked, who knows what's on the other side, am I right?"_**

 ** _Needless to say that he sure won't be able to see Zim and Gaz the same way again, told you I wasn't done causing him some more despair._** ** _I mean he already saw the worst of Zim, what if he unwittingly saw the worst of his sister as well?_**

 ** _For once I do think Gaz's anger was justified, no?_**

 ** _So anyway, what are your final thought on this?_**

 ** _Who knows, maybe with enough positive feedback, I could write a third instalment._**

 ** _Invader Johnny Signing Off._**


	3. Karma

**_Well Dib already had the horrible misfortune of seeing Zim and then Gaz playing with themselves._**

 ** _What else could possibly go wrong?_**

 ** _You'll only know if you read below._**

* * *

 _"Oh Tak... **Tak**!"_

Dib was in his room thinking of the only girl who he ever felt attracted to, go figure that it also had to be an alien.

"Why should they have all the fun?"

Instead of Zim who has a screen saver of Gaz or her sister who held a photo of Zim on her phone, Dib was more private and had a poster of the purple eyed Irken on his wall.

Dib certainly learned his lesson after seeing those play doing the nasty with themselves.

So he decided to keep as far away from Zim or Gaz for a while, since he couldn't still watch them in the eye and even if he did, he was sure he would see murder in them.

 _"And I can't exactly blame them."_ He thought _"Anyway, enough wasting time.. I gotta get back to what I was doing."_

The raven haired teen continued to play or to be more precise, the machine was playing for him.

A robotic hand was giving him more pleasure than any girl or his own hands ever could.

... That was not only sad but weird.

 _"Oh **Tak**!"_

"Son?" Prof. Membrane asked from the other side of the door "Son is that you?"

But Dib didn't answer, in fact he was still fantasising about the alien Invader to pay any attention to anything else in the outsi world, his father's worried voice included.

The young paranormal investigator moaned in pleasure.

The professor misunderstood the noise as a moan of _pain_.

So he opened the door "Son... I was hearing some odd noises coming from your room and I thought I should take a..."

Both Father and son froze like deers in a street light, for far different reasons.

Dib could only look away in embarrassment, no longer paying attention to the artificial hand giving him a good time.

As for the professor, he only saw two things, the robotic arm and the poster of an alien which he assumed was a CSI-FI character.

"Son." He cleared his throat "I know you're at that age where you are exploring your body."

 _"Swallow me Earth!"_

"But don't you think you should at least look up _**real**_ women rather than _**fictional**_ aliens?

Dib was extremely mortified by what was happening that he didn't even try to convince his father that alien's were in fact **_real_**.

 _"This is not the time or place."_

The scientist was about to close the door before speaking one last time.

"Oh and son?"

"Yeah dad?" Dib manager to croak.

"Creating a robotic arm for a manual override is a gross misuse of _**REAL**_ science!"

He then closed the door, quite disappointed.

"How could things get any _**worse**_?!"

That answer came in the door of an explosion as his bedroom wall took a direct hit from an Irken gun.

As soon as the smoke and dust dissipated, Tak was in sight, out of disguise, with a full set of deadly weapons coming from her PAK,

"I'm here for what is mine you horrible Human!" She snarled "Surrender my ship of suffer the consequences of a mighty... _**AAAAAAHHHH**_!"

Tak covered her eyes in disgust.

"You humans are sick!" The Irken bellowed "My eyes! My eyes!"

Unfortunately for her, she didn't look where she was going and one wrong move and she dropped from the house's second floor I to the backyard.

" _ **AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH**_! _Oof_!"

Dib humiliated by what happened hid under the covers of his bed.

"I am _**never**_ leaving my bed again."

Loud banging came afterwards.

"Dib!" Gaz shouted "Shut up! Zim and Gaz are trying to watch fifty shades of grey!"

"And don't even think of coming in you filthy Dib-Stink!"

"And now I'm even _**more**_ scarred for life."

* * *

 ** _LOL, Well, sometimes people learn the hard way and if the incident in Zim's lab or Gaz's beating wasn't bad enough, now Tak lost any sort of respect towards the "Hero of Earth."_**

 ** _As an added bonus I couldn't resist adding the implication that Gaz is losing her virginity to Zim, it must made everything worse for Dib since he's bound to hear it unless he leaves his room._**

 ** _Damn... This story turned out to be way weirder than I originally expected._**

 ** _But as always, constructive criticism is greatly_** ** _accepted._**

 ** _Invader Johnny Signing Off._**


	4. On Planet Judgementia

_**This idea came to me while I was watching the IZ cast reading the script of "The Trial" on YouTube, go figure that I would continue this saga even after being marked as "completed."**_

 _ **Just imagine that Zim got taken to Judgementia after he started dating Gaz for this chapter, this could count as an AU or maybe in the same universe but with an older Zim and Gaz, up to you.**_

* * *

Several Irkens were sitting all around the spike of judgement, all eyes staring eagerly hoping to get rid of the Irken defective once and for all.

Zim came back from making his quick phone call, his love pig was not happy but he had to tell her that the Tallest were doing a party in his honor.

Speaking of the Tallest, they were sharing an evil look as some snake like cables connected to a huge creepy monitor locks onto Zim's I.D PAK, it lifts him and the monitor lights up.

"Irken Invader Zim." The Control Brains say ominously "Prepare for _**REPLAY**_. All your memories will be made known. Your life for all to see and know."

"Ooooh..MY incredible ZIM-life? _**NEAT**_!"

 _ **"NOW, SEE YOUR PAST ZIM... YOUR PAST..."**_

 _ **"MY FUTURE?!"**_

" _ **NO**_! Your _**PAST**_!" The brains say annoyed "Pay attention!"

 _ **"MY FUTURE?!**_ "

"We said.."

 _ **"My FUTURE?!"**_

"We said.."

 _ **"My FUTURE?!"**_

"Ok fine! _**Yes**_! Your future!"

"Neat!"

As the screen slowly looses its statics, a picture becomes clearer and clearer for the Irken crowd.

"Oh Zim!" Gaz said hey boyfriend's name with such please "What are you waiting for and get it!"

"Patience Little Gaz." He said grinning evilly "All good things come to those who..., Oh forget it, prepare to be ridden like a Hogulus on mating season!"

The Irkens watched in shock/horror as they saw Zim "getting it on" with a member of an _inferior_ race.

"Oh sweet merciful crap!" Tallest Purple yells out, covering his eyes in disgust "What are they doing?!"

"He's putting something _**inside**_ of her!" Red felt like he was about to puke "And what is that _**thing**_ she has?! It's bleeding! Oh Shit he's licking it!"

"Oh Zim! Harder harder!" Gaz kept yelling.

"Now I'm hungry." Zim said, licking his lips, "I mean seeing myself having future sex with my Gaz-Beast brings out an appetite."

Purple began to puke all over his snacks, followed by the rest of the crowd.

 _ **"SHUT IT OFF! SHUT IT OFF!"**_

The Control Brains complied, feeling a little green themselves.

"What was that?!" A random Irken asked, feeling like he was going blind.

"That..." A new dangerous voice said "Was my first time!"

Every Irken turned around to meet the same human who had done "the nasty with Zim" and she was _**furious.**_

"First My stupid brother has to spy on us and now your stupid Empire has to spy on our privacy?!" Gaz growls "You will all pay!"

The Spike of judgement had never been so pink afterwards.

And Zim had never been so turned on that he took Gaz back to the Voot Cruiser and Earth to have some "alone time."

 _ **After**_ she beat him relentlessly for three hours for getting himself kidnapped.

" _ **AH**_! But the Tallest invited me! They were showing me my future!"

"You'll be lucky if you even _**have**_ a future!" Gaz snapped as she continued to assault him. "Not after what went on in there!"

* * *

Meanwhile Tallest Red and Purple crawled out of the place, bloody and crying.

"New rule..." Red slurred "We never see Zim's memories again... It's too dangerous and disgusting!"

"I want my Cold unfeeling robot arm!" Purple cried out "And a memory wipe!"

* * *

 ** _Well, after the Irken Empire no longer reproduces sexually, the latest generation obviously would have no idea what sex is like and I think they would be like WTF, maybe even scarred for life as was the case with the Tallest._**

 ** _yeah, weird idea but once I thought of it, I just had to add it to this saga._**

 ** _I even thought of a chapter for GIR and another one for the Computer, should I write them?"_**

 ** _Invader Johnny Signing Off._**


	5. Virtual Reality

_**I think the Computer is about to get some karma for letting Dib into the base in the first chapter, heh.**_

* * *

Gaz was dragging Zim into his underground base... More like grabbing him roughly by his antennae.

"Ow! My glorious antennae!"

"Be quiet Zim!" Gaz growled "I am not at all happy with you and the moment and the sound of your voice only angers me."

"... But...!"

"Open your mouth one more time and it will be your last!"

 _ **"Master, talk away!"** _ The Computer said **_"... There's something I never thought I say."_**

"I hate you computer."

"The feeling is mutual."

"I warned you not to talk" She said darkly, punching Zim in the face afterwards "After you showed your entire race our alone time, you'll be lucky if you get **_any, this decade_**!"

 _ **"Ok, ew."**_ The Computer shuddered ** _"I'm going to need something to make me erase that little image."_**

"Ah! My face! My amazing face!"

"Whiner."

If the computer had any eyes, he would have rolled them in annoyance, so he decided to leave the "real world" and venture into his "digitized world."

The Computer went back into a slot in the wall, choosing to take on a "physical form" in his home away from hellhole as he called it, within the virtual world, the Computer took a physical form, surprisingly he didn't took an Irken form but a human one, if Zim could see it, he would call him a traitor but the Computer wouldn't care.

As it turns out, the A.I. took the shape of a man with "bunny ears" extremely underweight, tall bony legs with pasty white skin.

 ** _"I need a break._** " The Computer said _ **"I can only be so long with so much insanity."**_

He went to a decrepit, single-story house with the street address 777 on it, he silently entered his place, ironically a Computerized voiced greeted him with **_"Welcome home Mr. Scolex."_**

He sat down on a worn out chair, a bowl of food nearby, taking a bite, he sat down and rubbed his arms in anticipation.

 **"Now in for some sweet release.** " The computer said, getting his hands under his chair's cushion, when he didn't feel anything underneath, the Computer began to panic, he quickly got up, taking the cushion off his chair and when he didn't see what he was looking for in his hiding spot, he began to search every place in his home.

From underneath his dead bunny's cage to his underground labyrinth.

 _ **"Where the hell is my dirty magazine?!"**_

* * *

Meanwhile in the Membrane residence, Dib was in his room, watching his computer screen, puzzled by all the binary coding, he decided to decode it, only to regret it almost instantly.

He found out the unusual way that **_even_** Irken technology got horny.

"I think I should stop hacking Zim's computers." Dib groaned "Otherwise I'll willingly commit myself to the crazy house for boys!"

* * *

 _ **Yeah, for those of you who didn't catch the references to other of Jhonen Vasquez's work, the Computer while in his virtual reality world, decided to take the form of Johnny C. I have no idea how or why that happened, originally I was just gonna write about Dib hacking the Computer's memories and being surprised by all the coding, then it got me thinking, what if the Computer also got frustrated because Dib "ruined his alone time" if you know what I mean.**_

 _ **Anyway, I already have some ideas for GIR in the final chapter but suggestions are always welcome.**_

 _ **Invader Johnny Signing Off.**_


	6. Valentine's Day

**_Since today is Valentine's day I decided to write something for IZ, this takes place before Zim started dating Gaz and spoiler alert, we'll see who was Zim's first love, Heh heh heh._**

* * *

Zim entered the High Skool's restroom, trying to escape the horrible human holiday that was Valentine's Day.

"Pitiful humans and their inferior love fest." He sneered "This pathetic Earth holiday will **_never_** hold a Gasquiggasplorch to Probing day!"

Try as he might due to his mighty Irken senses, Zim could hear how the human females would gush over the meat slab they received from their boy friends or how the human stink boy smellies would gloat about "getting some tonight."

Get **_what_** exactly? Zim did not know, or care for that matter.

"Stupid Earth monkeys." The Irken hissed "Wasting their time on affection in a pathetic effort to find a mate… To what end? They'll be doomed soon!"

Zim smirked evilly staring at himself in the mirror "Invaders need no one, **_NO ONE!"_**

 ** _"SHUT UP YOU FREAK!"_** Duh said in an occupied stall "Some of us want to poop in peace!"

Zim simply got his spider legs out of his PAK and fired an insanely powerful lase at the stall, revealing Duh with his skin scorched, his clothes tattered and the toilet destroyed.

"Damn… I gotta lay off the corn and mayonnaise they serve in the cafeteria." Duh said in a daze, wobbling out of the bathroom.

The Irken glared in contempt at the child who had interrupted his **_GLORIOUS_** monologue.

He went back to stare back at the mirror, giving himself a thumb's up "You're amazing Zim!" The alien said to himself **_"YES I AM BECAUSE I AM ZIM!"_**

The Irken them made a victorious pose and then another, then another, several in which made Zim admire himself.

"Why… I dunno why I never noticed this before but it makes perfect sense!" He proclaimed "Human holiday or not, **_I KNOW_** Who belongs at my side and that would be none other than **_ZIM!_** "

He pointed at his reflection **_"BE MINE!"_**

Dib who had witnessed everything from another stall, slapped himself in annoyance _"Idiot."_

The human later spied on Zim's base and how the Irken in question was having a "date" with himself.

Zim was in front of a mirror in his kitchen, raising a glass of an Irken drink.

 ** _"TO ZIM!"_**

 _"This is too pathetic."_ Dib thought _"Even for me."_

* * *

 ** _Come on, don't act as if you didn't see that one coming, Zim has a high opinion of himself , so of course he would love himself a LOY, heh… Gotta say, this idea was a little weird to write but in the end I supposed you got to learn to love yourself first before you make the commitment of loving someone else, which Zim did a bit too literal._**

 ** _Well… Happy Valentine's day, I guess._**

 ** _Next time, I'll write the GIR chapter, I promise._**

 ** _Invader Johnny Signing Off._**


End file.
